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April 2012 Vol. 2
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CHICKEN BAILOUT PLAN
Marva L. Weigelt
Before you jump to conclusions, let me assure you that extravagant executive bonuses will not be a concern; the Happiest Chicken CEO (fondly known as Big Mama, No Feathers or less respectfully as Mother Clucker) doesn't even get a salary, let alone an annual bonus. Transparency won't be a problem either; we will gladly open both the hen house and our books to anyone. Finally, we are pretty sure that toxic debt is not an issue either, but since we're not altogether certain what it is, we hate to make a promise we can't keep. Owing to the heat and humidity in Kansas, August in the coop can veer a little toward the toxic.
Please bear in mind that we are trying to avoid national publicity. Several of the most vociferous chicken groups - notably the proud and financially savvy P.A.R. (Poultry of the American Revolution), whose President, Parmentia Pilgrim, is a Barred Plymouth Rock supposedly in a direct line of descent from the flock of Captain Myles Standish - have argued that the bailout needn't be a high-profile federal matter or even a state-level concern. Miss Pilgrim suggests that if every member of the labor force in Chase County kicked in about 13 cents, we could promise a prompt recovery.
There's no question that the pension plan is to blame for the bulk of our economic woes. The six most elderly chickens were born in 2004 and are now officially retired, living quite comfortably on the poultry version of Social Security and Medicare. I spent the first two years of nervous chicken-rearing trying to keep my small flock alive, and now that I've
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